No, this isn’t part of an ongoing thoughtful discussion about travel writing ethics and whether or not to take paid press trips. This is a rant, of sorts.
I just hate cruises.
More truthfully, I hate the idea of cruises, since I have never actually set foot on a cruise. I haven’t eaten squirrel, hung with the Bush twins, or been on spring break in Cancún, but I have an aversion to them too.
I feel perfectly satisfied going the rest of my life without the cruise experience, which David Foster Wallace writes about in his in Harper’s Bazaar article, “Shipping Out: On the (near) lethal comforts of the luxury cruise ”:
I have now seen sucrose beaches and water a very bright blue. I have seen an all-red leisure suit with flared lapels. I have smelled sun-tan lotion spread over 2,100 pounds of hot flesh. I have been addressed as “Mon” in the three different nations. I have seen 500 upscale Americans dance the Electric Slide. I have seen sunsets that look computer-enhanced. I have (briefly) joined a conga line. I have heard steel drums and eaten conch fritters and watched a woman in silver lamé projectile-vomit inside a glass elevator. I have pointed rhymically at the ceiling to the two-four beat of the same disco music I hated pointing at the ceiling to in 1977…I have heard a professional cruise-ship comedian tell folks, without irony, “But seriously.”
My need for “alone time” and proneness to acute seasickness are just part of the problem for me about cruises. They seem self-indulgent, hiding behind a front of cultural adventure. I’m sure there are probably some perfectly lovely cruises out there. * I just can’t stand the overall back-story (my version) of most cruises: the majority of cruise-goers are stuck in a reactive place in their lives, which extend outwards into their vacation decisions.
David Foster Wallace likens in his article that the luxury cruise is like returning to some primordial, fetus-like state:
Aboard the Nadir, as ringingly foretold in the brochure, you will get to do “something you haven’t done in a long, long time: Absolutely Nothing.” How long has it been since you did Absolutely Nothing? I know exactly how long it’s been for me. I know how long it’s been since I had every need met choicelessly from someplace outside of me, without me having to ask. And that time I was floating, too, and the fluid was warm and salty, and if I was any way conscious I’m sure I was dreadless, and was having a really good time, and would have sent postcards to everyone wishing they were here.
The whole 24 page article by DFW is worth a dedicated read. His observations tickle my funny bone so hard my dog usually starts eyeing me warily, like my belly laughs are directed at her.
My closest cruise-encounters have involved a Dover-Calais ferry crossing of the English Channel (not palatial) and a Helsinki-Tallinn ferry crossing. The soon-to-be Mr. Gnome had the (thoughtful) idea to splurge on first-class tickets for our Gulf of Finland journey to better any seasickness I might have. Cruise-like accoutrements like free beer, wine, and food created a party-like atmosphere for every first-class traveler but myself. Despite Dramamine and a forced-positive attitude, the gluttonous merriment was lost on me and all the pickled herring made me want to hurl all the more.
At least my ferry experiences were only a couple of hours each. I can’t imagine spending a week (or more) on a real cruise. Of course, live and let live, vacation and let vacation, but I just can’t help but speculate that upon disembarking from said cruise people feel a tinge more discontented and disconnected with the world than when they embarked and that being lulled to sleep by the waves is a double-edged sword.
*I do think that programs like Semester at Sea or even sweet Alaskan cruises sound pretty badass.
What do you think? What are your experiences with and/or perception of cruises?
Cruises seem to be a contentious issue in the travel world! I tend to agree with you that they are very lazy travel and I can’t really imagine dropping a thousand bucks to hang out in a floating hotel.
I say this never haven taken an epic luxury cruise either. However I did spend a week sailing around Dalmatia on what was essentially a booze cruise. The ship only held 30 people and the staff was all Croatian, so it seemed a little less removed than a big liner would. In this case it was by far the cheapest and most enjoyable option for visiting many Croatian islands. I imagine an Alaskan cruise would be similar in that the sailing actually improves the experience.
I’ve long thought that I’d hate cruises…for all the reasons you mention. But I also thought I’d hate Vegas until I went. I’m willing to try almost anything once, and id someone else is paying the bill, so much the better!
I am not a huge fan of cruises… besides the environmental impact, I get bored. I think cruises are giant tourist traps.
@Stephanie a ‘floating hotel’: exactly! It sounds though like your Croatian booze cruise was pretty sweet. I had drinks with people in Dubrovnik once who were on a similar cruise and were loving it. And it definitely sounded like the best way to see the Croatian islands.
@Julie. Great reminder to stay open-minded. I have to admit I have the same prejudice about Vegas, even though I’ve never been. I think I’d give Vegas a chance though before a cruise (esp. due to my seasickness…lol).
@Abbie GREAT point with the environmental impact. I didn’t even think to write about that in this post. I couldn’t agree more with it being a tourist trap too.
Semester at Sea would be AMAZING. I’d definitely do the cruise thing, but I dislike the lack of freedom…I’d like to be able to get off the ship whenever I wanted, know what I mean?
@Candice. I know exactly what you mean. The lack of control would get to me, lol.
I’d try a cruise, but I don’t think I’d ever pay for one, they just seem to clinical and boring, plus you arrive at any destination with 10-20k other people, I can’t see a personal experience happening there.
@Rob. They do seem pretty sterile and boring. And I agree completely on the downside of arriving with 10-20k other people. It would, to me, hamper any real cultural connection…
I thought I hated cruises too – and maybe I still do. I remember walking around Quebec City once, when a cruise ship arrived. A woman from the ship stumbled upon us in a shop and said, “What city am I in?” To me, that captured why I hate cruises.
That said, could someone pay me to go on a cruise? Probably.
Add onto that the fact that friends of mine have said their cruise in Alaska was absolutely amazing and not to be missed. It makes me think twice – they said pick the right boat, with a naturalist.
Maybe all cruises aren’t equal.
And lastly, now that I have a 4 year old, and he loves boats, the thought of having baby sitting and a pool and games for him does sometimes sound enticing. So pay me, and I just might go. Otherwise, I’ll probably just keep planning my own trips.
@darngooddigs Thanks for stopping by! Hilarious Quebec City anecdote. Good points. I agree with you that the Alaska cruise sounds pretty great. (As I wrote in the little * at the end of my post, Alaskan cruises and the Semester at Sea program do sound cool.) And that’s a great point about cruising with kids. Built in baby-sitting and activities for the kids seem like major “pros” in choosing a cruise.
I’d like to try one. hopefully an arctic cruise. but I do worry I’ll get bored. but then again, I get bored on land all the time …
@neha: lol. I get bored on land too, so I can’t imagine what it’d be like on a cruise. (Do they have wi-fi on cruise ships? haha) Btw-thanks for being my 100th comment on this blog
)
oooh! was it me? that makes me verrry happy!
It WAS you Neha! Yay! I feel like I should throw some virtual confetti in the air for you.
I’m secretly kinda glad I can’t afford (and suspect I never will) to go on a cruise–keeps me from even having to entertain the notion. My basic impulse is similar to yours: disgust and aversion.
A friend of my dad’s went on a cruise and said it was great; he got to visit all thee different countries by day, and at night “go back to America.” Exactly.
Thanks for the David Foster Wallace mention; hadn’t known he’d written an article about cruises. Just for shits and giggles, here’s an equally “lethal” poem by, who else, Charles Bukowski:
Carson McCullers
she died of alcoholism
wrapped in a blanket
on a deck chair
on an ocean
steamer.
all her books of
terrified loneliness
all her books about
the cruelty
of loveless love
were all that was left
of her
as the strolling vacationer
discovered her body
notified the captain
and she was quickly dispatched
to somewhere else
on the ship
as everything
continued just
as
she had written it
@Lauren. Thanks for stopping by! And thank you for posting this poem. How apt and, as you said, equally deliciously “lethal”. (God, you have to love Bukowski…)
The thing about traveling and vacations is that one person’s luxury week long cruise is another person’s week in hell. We all look for different things from our vacations — a meaningful experience, the rest and relaxation of a sandy beach, gambling in Vegas, backpacking and camping, or whatever.
I hate backpacking and camping. I know it’s green, and back to nature, and all that stuff, but I hate it. I want a little luxury, at least what’s affordable within my budget — a decadent meal now and again, a nice hotel room, etc.
I have been on several cruises before, and some I’ve enjoyed and others not so much. Of course I’m concerned about the environment, but honestly, I also work for an airline so I try not to be too hypocritical about the environmental footprint issue. (I have other issues regarding cruise lines, most specifically their personnel issues.)
All the discussion of whether travel writing has to “matter” or should deal with “issues” seems to further polarize positions rather than opening lines of communication. Isn’t there room for all travel preference to co-exist?
Great and entertaining post, Nancy!
I’m just starting to read the DFW article, and though it was written over a dozen years ago, much of it still rings true!
I’ve spent months on giant cruise ships (sometimes consecutively), and have seen almost all the things Wallace mentions – and in some twisted way they’re what I love about cruising! I’m pretty sure this is because I’m some sort of weirdo.
Of course, my family & I have also known the joys of slow, deep, meaningful “real” world travel too – but sometimes we just don’t want to work that hard.
For me, cruise ships are fascinating destinations in themselves, where an incredibly diverse international crew interacts with a constantly changing (yet unchanging) cast of pleasure-seekers in a carefully (often comically) orchestrated Vegas-style revue, set against a background of some of the most beautiful places in the world.
It’s definitely not for everyone.
@Mary Jo. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughtful comments. I agree that there is room for all travel preferences to co-exist and that we all look for different things from our vacations. I do have to say, though, that these discussions of travel writing, cruising, and press trips have opened lines of communication. I didn’t participate in the followmeatsea explosion, but I’ve liked the discussion on different blogs, including this one. I’ve learned more about cruises and the people who enjoy them. So, thanks for putting your input!
@Marc. Thanks! Glad you stopped by. Isn’t the DFW article hilarious? I like the points you bring up. I love this: “cruise ships are fascinating destinations in themselves, where an incredibly diverse international crew interacts with a constantly changing (yet unchanging) cast of pleasure-seekers in a carefully (often comically) orchestrated Vegas-style revue, set against a background of some of the most beautiful places in the world.”
Funnily enough, my husband enjoys cruises and has taken two with his family. Reading my post and the DFW article made him want to take another one, for the very reasons you mention above.
I’ve been reminded through these discussions that cruises are excellent ways to vacation as a family. That’s great that you and your family have experienced both kinds of travel.
Thanks again for sharing.
I hate cruises too! Just finished my first and last to Alaska….all the reasons everyone mentioned are true. Boring activities, awful entertainment (I use that word loosely), food is upgraded airplane quality, hurry get your excursion done so you can get back on the ship before it leaves. Remember: the ship loses money every minute it’s in port, so the idea it to keep you at sea! This is great if you are an overweight, alcoholic gambler! If you are an adventure seeker such as myself, it’s a NIGHTMARE!